I wrote this with Damian Chadwick, Sarah Claspell and Paul Welsh. It’s my comedy heart.
Starring kick-ass motherfuckers like Aaron Glaser, Will Hines and Ryan Karels! Produced and Directed by me! Come out, it’s going to be super-weird, funny, madness.
This tumblr will soon be incorporated into a brand-spanking new website. It’s gonna be an all-access portal through which the internet can love me. Fuck yeah!
Another new political sketch, just in time for election day! Written by yours truly and the unstoppable Aaron Glaser. Starring comedy dynamo, Kurt Braunohler!
I make my triumphant return to political sketches after a long hiatus!
My Thoughts On Lost
Originally Written: Monday, May 24, 2010 at 3:07pm
With that final fade to white, I flipped off my TV. I didn’t turn it off though. I just sat there, middle finger outstretched, watching the credits roll. I knew in my heart that, somewhere out there, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse were rimming each other and murmuring softly about how they don’t owe anybody anything.
It would take days to write out all the ways Lost finale failed as a piece of fantasy (or sci-fi, whatever you want to call it). And I’m not going to bother, because apparently, I wasn’t watching it for that reason. I was watching it for the characters. For the love stories. Ok. Sure. Let’s say I was.* HOW THE FUCK WAS THAT A REASONABLE OR SATISFYING CONCLUSION IN THAT CONTEXT?
1. Apparently you must be a certain height to ride the great space coaster into the white light. And apparently it takes you to Fuck-Palace 7 where you just bone all day. That’s the only reasonable answer, right? Because even though parenthood and the proper raising of children were such huge themes in Lost, no one seems to care about meeting their children in heaven. Not even, say, the child we are told is SPECIAL and IMPORTANT and MUST NOT BE RAISED BY ANOTHER. Where’s your child Claire? “Who cares, I’m going to go angle-fuck this drug addict.”
2. But that bad parenting pales in comparison Jin and Sun. Jin chose to die instead of escaping the island to raise his kid. And Sun let him. Jin has only had two motivations on the entire show: Protecting and providing for his family, and finding his family so he can protect and provide for it. And how did he end his life? By, you know, maybe sacrificing himself to protect and provide for his family? NOPE. He died doing the exact opposite. Because that’s good writing, right? If you close your eyes, you can literally feel Damon Lindelof pissing on your face.
3. Is Sayid evil? Well, he did torture all those people, both in Iraq and on the Island. And then he did murder a shit ton of people across the world and on the island in cold blood. But, to his credit, he did choose to not shoot a dude sitting in a well. But good, evil, apparently doesn’t matter, cause he gets to go to heaven with his true love, Nadia.
4. Wait, what? Where the fuck is Nadia? What do you mean, Nadia who? FUCKING NADIA. The strong, independent women that Sayid based all his adult life around loving and protecting. Is she not-WHAT THE FUCK IS SHANNON DOING HERE? Get her out of here or it’s going to be awkward when Nadia shows up! So for reals though, was the big plot twist of Lost that Sayid is really Tiger Woods with his hair grown out? Sayid’s entire life is based on what he would and wouldn’t do to be reunited with Nadia. Turns out though that he’d throw it all away for an eternity of whiny, shallow sex with some chick he knew for less than a month.
5. Desmond and Penny, where is baby Charlie? Wait, sorry, I’m done talking about not going to heaven with your kids.
6. So Ben kills like a million people in cold blood, but he can still be redeemed. Then, after he gets redeemed, he kills two more people, just for good measure. No worries, he can go to Heaven after he lives out his dad fantasy with Alex and Rousseau. But Michael, under extreme duress, trying to protect his HUGELY IMPORTANT son (sorry, I momentarily forgot that none of the fantasy plot points mattered at all), shoots one person on purpose and another accidentally, and he’s forever trapped as a ghost? Yup, a good resolution to that character, just as I wanted from my character drama.
6. Why was Jacob and MIB’s mom a ghost? Who did she shoot? Doesn’t matter.
7. John Locke, fresh out of his wheelchair, is apparently going on the space coaster solo. Sorry Kathy Segal, at least you’ve still got Fry.
8. You must never let the light go out…or else you will have to turn it back on again. What a pain, am I right?
Ok, I’m straying back towards discussing the MASSIVE PLOT HOLES instead of the nonsensical behavior of characters in a supposed character drama, so I’ll stop for now. What a fucking waste of time.
*It’s weird, as much as people want to tell me this was why I was watching, I really don’t remember going from website to website, pouring over in-depth analysis of Kate and Sawyer’s breathy exchanges. I don’t remember reading long, speculative blog posts about whether Jack and Juliette’s flirty banter was well-earned. I don’t remember spending off-seasons playing long and convoluted mystery games about finding the location of Locke and Kathy Segal’s first date. Weird.
A sketch I wrote for Maude Night starring the incomparable Sarah Claspell.
